No Longer Consumed
I got to spend my day yesterday with my dad doing a poker run for my old support group. It was a great day, esp seeing all this support for pregnancy/infant loss. A few times I thought of my daughter. I also thought of my sister. I thought of how we had the loss of our daughter’s in common. These weren’t those all consuming, depressed thoughts though.
When he dropped me off, he asked if we were going to the cemetery like we’ve always done on Sundays. I told him no, that we don’t go all the time anymore, I didn’t have that need. He understood, which is great. However, it’s led to me doing a lot of thinking and pondering. I think it’s important to the movement that we are able to discuss the latter stages of grief.
When you lose your baby, it really is like a roller coaster. You have your ups and downs, you never know what each day will hold. You just hold on and keep breathing. After that first year, things gradually start looking up. The second year hits, then the third, fourth, fifth, sixth, etc. You find those bad days occurring less and less. The times where you sob and feel your heart being ripped out of your chest, they lessen. Somehow, we gradually just kind of accept what your life is and you kind of accept your child being gone. This isn’t to say that sometimes you don’t have a meltdown and don’t find yourself wistful about how things should of been, because you do. However, I’m finding myself no longer consumed. I love my daughter and miss her more than anything, but, my life has continued on. I can look at her photo and briefly talk about what happened without breaking down. I don’t have a need to be at the cemetery the same time every week. I often worry that it makes me look like a bad mom or like I don’t care. I think it’s just that you do get to that point where it doesn’t rule your life. I feel like I have to justify how I feel to myself, I have to remind ME that this is ok. This is why I rarely post on here anymore, I just don’t have that need. This is still a little bit of a strange feeling for me, but it’s ok, I’m going with it. Part of me is kind of relieved that I’m in this place because it’s just so different than it use to be. I’m me, the different me than I was before, but I’m still just ME. I’m not just a loss mom anymore. I am, but, it’s not my identity, if that makes sense. I’m going to just accept where I am and go with it.